The Hardest Year of Our Lives, and Yes We’re Coming Back to AZ…

To say that our lives have been completely turned around in the last 6 months is an understatement. We’ve had an incredibly difficult time trying to decide how much we post on this blog and share with you all… only because it’s all been very personal.

But, because we need prayer and support, and because you all are probably as confused about our lives as we are, we can give you a little recap…

Like I’ve mentioned in previous posts, this year has dealt us many deaths. January of this year my (Lauren’s) grandma passed away. And in April, my grandpa passed away in a traumatic death.
What we didn’t share was that two months after my grandpa’s death, we found out we were pregnant. And then two weeks later I had a miscarriage and we lost our baby. It was only a week after the miscarriage that Luke’s grandpa died.

In the midst of this, we both had many job opportunities fall through and countless disappointments stacked upon another. It was because of the miscarriage that I became incredibly sick (which I’ve already written about). My hormones were all over the place. And during my first cycle after the miscarriage I became deathly ill and bed-ridden for two weeks. Basically, every cycle since then has been difficult (physically and emotionally), but not as severe.

During this time of sickness I began to start showing signs of post traumatic stress syndrome. I also started have extreme anxiety and panic attacks. I’ve never had panic attacks or anxiety before, so I had no idea what was happening to my mind or body! Every waking minute I was plagued with irrational fears and my anxiety was causing severe physical effects on my body. Since we had so many deaths so close together, I just never had time to process them. There was tons of emotional grief built up inside me.

We came back to AZ for two weeks at the end of July to be with family, and my health and mind started improving. However, as soon as we returned to KC, my symptoms flared up again. They were so bad that within a week we returned to AZ.
And that’s where we’ve been for the last couple weeks. We’ve just been laying low trying to take it one day at a time. I’ve started seeing an amazing counselor who is very helpful, and I’m still trying to get help from good doctors.

So after much prayer and seeking wisdom, we felt the Lord invite us to stay in AZ for an extended period of restoration. It’s healing for us to have the safety and security of family, friends and familiarity. We have better access to the doctors and the care we need. And quite honestly, we just need some normal life for awhile.

The hard part is that we absolutely love life in Kansas City. Our friends there have come to mean so much to us in such a short time. Although this year has held so many trials, we don’t attribute them to our location or involvement there. Returning to AZ means the death of many dreams we had for life in KC, and we certainly don’t make this decision lightly. It just feels as though everything came to a crashing halt – and we couldn’t make any progress in recovery while we were there. So even though it means saying goodbye to such beautiful community and life in Kansas City, we know we have to do it.

So there you go.
Everything is on pause.
We don’t know how long we’ll be here or what we’ll do.
Our hope is to return to KC at some point in the future, but we’re simply trusting the Father to guide us.

I wish I could tell you with confidence that we know exactly where God is leading or what He’s doing right now… but we don’t. We don’t understand Him or what’s happened, but we’re being obedient to where it seems he’s taking us.
All we can do is keep walking forward.

God is good. He loves us. Can’t say it enough these days.

We need love and support right now, but it’s hard to know what that looks like. Some days, it just means space and privacy. Other days it means hugs, and coffee dates, and tears. There’s so much grieving we still need to do as we process a huge life transition along with many deaths.

But rest assured, we are doing better slowly but surely. Each day has been bringing more peace and healing, and we are confident in time that the memories will no longer be painful.

Again, thanks for all the love and care dear friends.

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